Hi All
Now, by now you've all guessed that yes means, yes, no, maybe, and that no also means yes. So, I should have guessed that I would have been taken to THE wedding party. Unlike anything ... anytime ... anywhere ...
It started off with BM and the five girls piling into Taxi to head over to Cam Am Island for the party ... now Cam An is still struggling to get back on its feet after the flood, and it's raining again ... We back out of the street, and BM's head is jammed against the roof, feeling like the elephant. Much conversation with taxi driver ensues, and we drive back to the hotel. Wondering if it was because of my head .... but NO ... we can't get over the bridge in a car / taxi because of the floods .... OK out we get and onto the back of a motor bike I get ... with trusty Evil Suong as my driver. Raining all the way, with the other four girls zipping in and out of the traffic ... I could tell it was them because from under the tele-tubbies i could see the gold heels of their well clad (and socked) little feet.
Now, I;'ve just been told that it's good luck at a wedding party to have a westerner there ... but I guess they haven't heard of MY history re weddings. So I keep quiet. I've still got a little belly trouble from all the tablets I've have to take this week .... So, I'm guest of Honour ...
Well it's set up between a kids party and an inauguration, I can't tell which, and I';m trying to remember vietnames ettiquete (sp??? it's wrong I know) when it comes to formal things.
Twelve round tables, all with about 12 little red plastic chairs, a huge karoke machine, and speakers that would do any outdoor concert proud. Everyone sits, and if you are the eldest at the table, nothing happens until the eldest commences, and then everyone can join in. So I spy a menu ... and try to quietly ask Suong or Mai what the future is going to offer me in the way of food .... They try and tell me, but before long they are all just laughing looking at the menu and then back at me .... Getting a little concerned now ... but no time for that ... its time to drink .... out come the buckets with ice ... not so clear ice .... and into the little glasses with red spots on them (think peanut butter jars now) .... And there are drinks everywhere .... beer ... beer ... and more of the stuff and finally i see a can of coke .... Everyone gets a glass full .... BUT ... there is a problem, if someone wants a drink .... everyone must drink .... OK I can do this I think, but then there is a vietnamese one, two, three, cheers that must be said before every drink, and one must clink glasses with everyone else around the table ... and because I'm oldest, I must hold my glass higher than everyone else .... get the picture here ???
I look around, and see food, kitchen, ladies cooking .... food everywhere ... dear lord, I;m now wondering how I'm going to get through this .... Out comes the first platter - plastic of course, It's ok I can deal with this I'm thinking, but there is silence at the table, because someone has filled my bowl and they are all waiting for me to start .... before they do ...
Take deep breath now ... I can do this ... its a salad .... with squid ... and there is sauce everyone ... yes ... first swallow ok ... then everyong tucks in, across the table ... under and over each others arms ....
I spy my glass of coke ... it now has pepper and chilli sauce floating across the surface ... hmmm .. I think ... but not for too long ... someone wants a drink ... so we all drink ... coke and peppercorns ... nice .... I look down and someone has filled my bowl again ... NOoooo I cry, I'm quite full thank you very much .... NOOOOO they reply ... you must eat ....
Out comes second course ... the table loots like a pig has run across it by now ... and its prawns, my tummy starts rebelling .... deep fried prawns ... with heads, whiskers and all ... and they are bigg-ish ... (in oz you would de-vien them) .... So my bowl is filled by four at the table, and its brimming with whiskers ... and they are all looking at me and waiting .... then someone tips a little sauce on top to soften them for me ... OK hold your breath and do it .... Crunchy ... hot ... I'm starting to gag ... and need a drink ... but my drink looks like a fruit salad by now ... but i need a drink badly ... so grab the glass, and up come another 12 glasses ... "one two three ...." Keep eating lyn oi they cry .....
Just them the bride and groom decide that they need to have a photo of themselves with BM ... so plant themselves beside me for the official pic .... so I try and comply and give a great big grin, when Mai besides me calls Nooo ... and quickly wipes my bottom lip .... prawn whiskers on ones bottom lip does not bode well for official wedding pics .... I gag .... I need a drink ... so we all have another drink again .... mine is now melted ice, coke, fanta, pepper corn, chilli sauce .... and I find a sprig of mint (that fell off someones prawn)
Then I realise that whe you are finished a course, or a plate, or a can, you just thrown it under the table .... excellent I'm thinking, they won't even notice when I throw up ...
Then comes the next dish ... I look away, can't do it Im thinking.... how do i get out of here .... but I'm stuck near the back corner ... I look down and see ....... my bowl ..... full again ..... YES, as guest of honour, I got the chicken head, beak, eyes and all ... steamed ....
Silence ..... i have tears in my eyes and can;t look up, when everyone breaks out into such laughter that the room stops and they all stare .... at me and chook head! Can't do it .... i said ... I'm quite full now thank you very much .... No, not yet comes the reply .... we wait for you ... You wanna sing karoke for us all now .... our pleasure ..... Not on your nelly I said .... "What's a nelly ... they ask .... dear god ... i must be on drugs!
I wish I drank beer ..... I start to cough ... Yes, I still have a bit of a barky cough ... and I cough, yep ... up comes a couple of prawn whiskers ... need the loo badly now .... so my trusty guides take my hand to the loo .... but ... you can't sit down .. so still coughing, i pee on my feet ... thank goodness for the plastic saucepan in the bucket of water in the loo with me .... need to wash feet, hands, face ... need to get out of here ....
But its raining too hard .... and the girls tell me that they've had too much to drink to double me back through the now flooding streets ... yes its a storm flood again .... Mr Baaa and his wife tell me that they will bring me home ... AFTER ....
OK, not long now .... but three more dishes arrive at the table .... Can't do it .... what's that pink stuff??? .... pork ... wonderful they say, but all I can see at this point in time are the three pigs that were taken to the slaughterhouse yesterday afternoon behind work!
Everyone else is having a merry old time .... there is so much loud music, singing, food, drinks, patting each other on the back .... men dancing with men ... women ... cooking!! and laughing ...
Madam An arrives back at the table with a wonderful glow ... so proud to have brought the westerner to bring luck to the wedding ... everyone who walks past me squeezes my fat arms ... for fat = wealth .... they must think i'm the wealthiest person at the wedding.
Escape time comes ... Mr Baa needs to go home ... I'm asking, if we couldn't drive to the wedding ... how come we can drive home ..... we go under the plank across the bridge he says .... and off we go .... safe ... until we get back to this side .... water flooding roads again .... seeping inside the car .... the shops are getting the backwash from the cars .... the bikes are stalling, and the push bike riders are knee deep .... but we made it .....
Back at hotel safely, can't quite believe the evening that has occurred ... tummy definitely upset .... throat threatening to cough ..... What an experience .... just had to get this down before bed, or don't think i would have slept ....
Can't wait for a quiet family meal back in oz ... or an office lunch ... or dinner with friends ... I'm sure going to appreciate them ! bye for now .... will upload pics as evidence soon! lyn oi
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